I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
