she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize