Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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