I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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