I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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