You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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