Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
