After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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