have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
