There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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