Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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