I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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