Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
