My sheets look like a crime scene.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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