when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
