He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
