If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
