im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
