Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm just crazy horny about you
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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