I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
