I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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