Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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