Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
