I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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