dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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