oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
