i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
