Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
