nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
