yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
