Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
