OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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