I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
