found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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