wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
