Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
