I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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