I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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