went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
