We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Welp...herpes.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
