He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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