Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
