I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
