You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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