I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
