My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
