He is such a slut. More and more my type.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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