after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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