everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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