We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We had sex on a dog bed..
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
