nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
