so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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