hell yes lets make some ravioli
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
