Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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