Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
